im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
