I got chris browned last night
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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