i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
