Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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