...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
