i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
