He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize