Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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