Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
