is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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