Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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