when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
