I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize