I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
