It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
