I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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