I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
