Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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