party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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