Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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