You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize