2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
