Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
