Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
