I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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