It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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