a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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