I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
We named our party play list daddy issues
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
