Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
