The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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