um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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