My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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