Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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