I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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