I accidentally burped into my bong.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
