my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize