How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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