my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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