She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
