Umm I'm too high to move.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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