I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
