I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
