It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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