someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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