dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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