I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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