im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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