sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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