i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize