The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
