I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My underwear smells like fireworks.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
