i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
