So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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