Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
