I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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