My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize