at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
