conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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