It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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