I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
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