this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
