you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
