Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
