cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
