I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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